I feel more alone than ever
An epiphany maybe?
"When I began to binge, it was as if I entered a trance where nothing else mattered—not driving, not listening to music, not my cell phone ringing, not making plans for next semester. All that mattered was where I would get the next sugary and fattening item for my binge. I knew it was wrong, disgusting, gluttonous, abnormal, costly, unhealthy, and irresponsible; but in the moment, I didn't care.
The food was no longer enjoyable, and I felt sick, but as long as I kept eating, I didn't have to think about anything else—I only had to chew and swallow. I felt completely numb.
It wasn't until I had eaten the last bite of Pop-Tart that I started to feel uneasy. As I slowly returned to my senses, what I'd done that day became very real to me. The shame, guilt, and self-hatred set in. What made it worse was that I hadn't even been back on campus for fifteen minutes, and I'd already broken my promise to myself.
I'd known I was underweight, and part of me liked it.
I knew I'd needed to gain the weight I had my first semester, but I didn't like the way I'd done it. I felt driven to binge by some force beyond my control, and I feared the scale would just keep escalating.
So only two days later, I broke all the promises I made to myself and binged again. I found myself back at all my regular snack shops and fast-food chains. Afterward, full of shame and self-disgust, I threw away the Pop-Tart wrapper from my desk drawer and replaced it with a potato chip bag—the last item I'd eaten during this binge—and told myself that it was truly over now. I again overexercised the next day to compensate for my latest lapse, and I again felt renewed after my workout, determined to start over. I was successful for a few days at a time, only to eventually succumb to my desire to binge. This cycle was repeated over and over.
I placed exercise and weight control above most everything else in my life.
Furthermore, part of me felt anxious at the thought of giving up binge eating for good. I had been binge eating for so long that I wondered if I could live without it. I wondered what my life would be like if I quit, and part of me felt great sadness when I thought of completely giving up my bulimia, because, after all, part of me did relish every bite. I reminded myself that the part of me that didn't want to quit was the animalistic part of my brain." (Brain over binge, Hansen Kathryn)